Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Alexander Wright

Born: 6 December 1955, Cambridge, Massachusetts

Wright was raised at Burlington, Massachusetts, earned an associate’s degree at Middlesex Community College at Bedford and his bachelor’s degree at Emerson College at Boston in 1978. He first did stand-up comedy the next year, but supported himself with a job in a book warehouse, parking cars, and retail before a producer from The Tonight Show spotted him in the Cambridge comedy club Ding Ho in 1982. His first album I Have a Pony was released in 1985 and was soon followed by a successful HBO special. In 1989 he co-wrote The Appointments of Dennis Jennings, a short film that won him an Oscar. He has appeared on stage, largely for college audiences, as much as sixty nights a year. His slow deadpan delivery is reminiscent of Pat Paulsen, he acknowledges being influenced by George Carlin and Woody Allen.

Steven Wright quotes:

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Steven Wright
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Steven Wright
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn’t first place.

Steven Wright

I Still Have a Pony (2006)
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and… Ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…

Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

Steven Wright
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Steven Wright
Boy, life takes a long time to live

Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all of his friends went to the funeral … in one car.

Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it’s going to be up all night.

Steven Wright
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
I can’t sit down at a desk and think of a joke. I tried a few times, like 18 years ago, and I can’t do it. It just doesn’t work.

Steven Wright

interview with Tasha Robinson for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all of his friends went to the funeral … in one car.

Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it’s going to be up all night.

Steven Wright
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start.

Steven Wright

I Still Have a Pony (2006)
I have an existential map. It has “You are here” written all over it.

Steven Wright
I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Steven Wright
I lost a button hole today.

Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint … it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said “Help Wanted.” There was another sign below it that said “Self Service.” So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.

Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Wright
I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (confirmed 5 December 2015)
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”

Steven Wright
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear a thing.

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)
I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
I was telling the jokes, people were laughing, and it became familiar. Then I heard Johnny laugh from his desk, and I was like, “Oh my God, Johnny Carson is laughing at something I said!”

Steven Wright

on his first appearance on The Tonight Show, Tasha Robinson interview for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (confirmed 5 December 2015)
I went into a general store, and they wouldn’t sell me anything specific.

Steven Wright
I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance.

Steven Wright
I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.

Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

Steven Wright
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote” so right before I die I could say “unquote”.

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away on Comedy Central (2006), released on DVD as I Still Have a Pony (2007)

I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

Steven Wright
I would just like to say that I think the universe is underrated. I think the galaxy — people don’t pay attention enough to the galaxy and the rest of the universe. Humans are obsessed with the Earth. And I think that’s narrow-minded. Are you taping this?

Steven Wright

Mark Rahner interview for the Seattle Times (17 May 2002)
I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose.

Steven Wright
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
I’d watch baseball, … but I have a pulse.

Steven Wright
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
If I had the business sense of a hubcap, I would have said, “I’m up to the third album worth of stuff, so let’s record the second one now,” but I forgot about it.

Steven Wright

interview with Tasha Robinson for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
If you went down the street to Borders at night, and broke into the store, and stuck all this extra stuff into the books, you’d be arrested for breaking and entering and destroying property. But on the Internet, they can do whatever they want.

Steven Wright

interview with Tasha Robinson for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Steven Wright

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away on Comedy Central (2006), released on DVD as I Still Have a Pony (2007)
I’m staying in an old hotel. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Steven Wright

quoted by Tasha Robinson, introduction to an interview with Wright for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

Steven Wright
In school they told me “Practice makes perfect”. And then they told me “Nobody’s perfect” so then I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away on Comedy Central (2006), released on DVD as I Still Have a Pony (2007)
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Steven Wright
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

Steven Wright
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (confirmed 5 December 2015)
I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to my friend – he said, `Do I know you?’

Steven Wright
Lots of my friends have babies, but I don’t have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don’t have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there’s gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises, gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about. Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I’m unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious. It’s a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away on Comedy Central (2006), released on DVD as I Still Have a Pony (2007)
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.

Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Steven Wright
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright
Smoking cures weight problems … eventually.

Steven Wright
The audience still won’t laugh at a joke unless they think it’s funny. I know that because I try out new jokes within my show, I slip some in here and there, and ever since the beginning, I’ve had a one-in-five, or one-in-four ratio. For every four or five I write, one will be good enough to stay in the act, and that’s still true even now.

Steven Wright

Nathan Rabin interview for A. V. Club (9 November 2006)
The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we’re all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.

Steven Wright
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.

Steven Wright
The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven … I almost went back in time.

Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building, on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Steven Wright
The thing about the Internet is, there’s no rules. It’s like the Wild West. It’d be like, if you never read Oliver Twist… Some guy goes to the bookstore and buys Oliver Twist, and he’s reading, and all of a sudden, in Chapter 11, Oliver goes to Miami and starts a brothel, and starts building boats, and then he goes back to London. And it’s because some nut in Detroit, at 2 in the morning, typed this into the book.

Steven Wright

interview with Tasha Robinson for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
There are little windows in the show, and that’s where I’ll try out new material. The audience decides what stays. They’re like a bunch of editors: I try something, and if it doesn’t work three times, it’ll never work, and I just throw it away. If it works for three nights, I know it’ll work every time.

Steven Wright

interview with Tasha Robinson for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Steven Wright

in “Quotable Quotes” — Reader’s Digest (1992)
They say you’re not supposed put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away on Comedy Central (2006), released on DVD as I Still Have a Pony (2007)
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Steven Wright

We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
What bothers me is when people say I wrote it, when I didn’t write it. Why don’t people just admit, “Here’s a joke that I wrote that’s like Steven Wright’s style”? That would be fine. It’s the dishonesty that bothers me.

Steven Wright

interview with Tasha Robinson for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright
When I came out, I was numb. I was so nervous that I wasn’t nervous.

Steven Wright

on his first appearance on The Tonight Show, Tasha Robinson interview for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Steven Wright

quoted by Tasha Robinson, introduction to an interview with Wright for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’

Steven Wright
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

Steven Wright
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (retrieved 5 December 2015)
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Steven Wright
You can’t have it all. Besides, where would you put it?

Steven Wright

cited on IMDB (confirmed 5 December 2015)
You know when you’re sitting on a chair, and you lean back so you’re just on two legs, and then you lean too far and you almost fall over, but just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Steven Wright
You never know what you have until it’s gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.

Steven Wright

quoted by Tasha Robinson, introduction to an interview with Wright for The Onion A. V. Club (29 January 2003)

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