Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Ada Diller, 1917 – 2012

Born: 17 July 1917, Lima, Ohio
Died: 20 August 2012, Brentwood, California

Born Phyllis Ada Driver, she studied music at Chicago’s Sherwood Music Conservatory and married Sherwood Diller in 1939. During the war she was a homemaker, mother, and advertising copy writer while her husband worked at the Willow Run Bomber Plant. She started doing comedy on radio in San Francisco, she was booked for two weeks at The Purple Onion and stayed for 87 weeks. She hit it off with Bob Hope, appearing in 22 of his TV specials, three of his movies, and his 1966 Christmas tour of Vietnam. Her schtick was a ditzy, incompetent housewife with an incredibly lazy husband named Fang. She retired from stand-up comedy in 2002 at age 84, most recently appeared on television in 2007, and had voice parts as recently as 2009.

Phyllis Diller quotes:

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
    Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
    Phyllis Diller

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
    Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
    Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
    Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
    Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
    Phyllis Diller

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
    Phyllis Diller

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
    Phyllis Diller

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, “Have you seen where they’re settling?”
    Phyllis Diller

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.
    Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
    Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
    Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
    Phyllis Diller

I don’t know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn’t see it coming. It hit me in the rear.
    Phyllis Diller

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