I’m not sure if you know this, but looking thin in photos is the most important thing you could possibly do with yourself. Looking thin in pictures is probably more important than actually being thin. How else are you going to get a billion likes on Instagram if your legs don’t look skinny in jean shorts? You can’t just tag pictures of yourself with #thighgap or #thinspo without the bod to back it up.
If you want to look thin, like a person of value who should be allowed outside, use visual trickery. If you’re not sure how to decieve the world into thinking you’re thin, you’ve probably never read a lady magazine before. Put down your book, brainiac–it’s time to learn something that matters.
Here are 10 bullshit tricks to making yourself appear thinner in pictures:
9)Make your hair big. Really big. The Bigger the hair, the closer to Jesus? Naw, dude: The bigger the hair, the smaller the body looks in comparison. Small enough to be loved by someone other than god who allegedly just loves anyone.
8) Pose right. There are a lot of ways to mangle your limbs and contort your body just so in order to achieve the appearance of thinness. Angle your legs toward the camera (one leg this way and one leg that way), arch your back, arms out like the chicken dance, separate your knees, jut your collar bones out, and tilt your jaw up for godsakes.
7) Hide behind something. Hold a giant purse in front of you like a television star trying to hide her pregnancy. Or use one of those face-in-the-hole carnival things that make it look like your face is on Carmen Electra‘s body. If you can’t be thin, at least hide your disgusting fat body from the camera.
6) Photoshop yourself. Don’t worry if you don’t know what you’re doing. It doesn’t really matter; the professionals who airbrush grotesque models and chubs actresses all day don’t do the best job all the time. As long as the body in question looks thin, it doesn’t need to look realistic or human.
5) Wear black. I know, duh. Do it like you mean it, though. If you don’t like wearing black, wear one of those novelty T-shirts with a cartoon body in a bikini on it.
4) Smoke. Not cigarettes, dummy. Just make sure whatever room you’re being photographed in is smoky and then no one will be able to make out the shape of your body.
3) Mirrors. Get a flattering mirror, angle it right and then do a mirror selfie. Obviously, you have to employ all the of the other tricks on this list or you aren’t living up to your potential and you’ll look fat.
2) Wear a giant pair of pants. Hold the waistband out like they used to be your pants and you lost a bunch of weight. Maybe you won’t look thin, but you’ll look thinner than someone who would fit in those pants.
1) Stilts. Wear with floor skimming trousers (preferably with vertical stripes like Uncle Sam) to give the illusion of a long lean leg. High heels are weak.