I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love Lifetime movies about teenagers. They entertain me far more than the ones starring grown-ups, probably because setting the scandalous, twist-a-minute plots of Lifetime movies against the backdrop of a high school is just inherently amusing. Lucky for me, there are two teen movies premiering this weekend on the network. Tomorrow is Expecting Amish, and Sunday is Guilty at 17. That’s right, another At 17 movie. I feel so spoiled.
I’ve already been over the many lessons I’ve learned about teenage life from watching these fine films, and today, ahead of this magical weekend, I thought I’d take another look back at the many teen movies I’ve reviewed from the network. This time I really want to categorize the types of Lifetime teens I’ve come across. You might think they’re all the same, but you would be wrong. So settle in and keep these categories in mind as you watch this weekend.
9. The Whiny Girl
Just because I love watching movies about teenagers doesn’t mean I’m never annoyed by them. Every once in a while a teen comes along who just makes my skin crawl. I don’t care if she’s going through something tough. She needs to stop saying everything in that shrill voice and listen to her mother. The first example that comes to mind is Zoe Gone, in which a girl whines before, during, and after her baby’s kidnapping, then gives the kid up for adoption. I’m pretty sure I heard the baby sigh, “Oh thank God.”
8. The Amateur Detective
The last half hour of most Lifetime teen movies turns into an episode of Scooby Doo. Because no one will believe our heroine when she says Person X, Y or Z is evil, she has to do all the sneaking around and criminal-catching herself, probably with the help of a cute boy or a PI who sympathizes with her.
7. The Good Girl Gone Bad
So many Lifetime heroines start out with such promising futures. They get good grades, they respect their parents, and they generally seem the least likely to get sucked into a high school prostitution ring. But then they meet a trouble-making girl or an older guy who carries a switch blade, and they just get caught up in the bad girl lifestyle. Good thing they’ve got Lifetime moms to save their ungrateful asses.
6. The Cyberbullying Victim
As you can see from the above picture, sometimes this one overlaps with Whiny Girl. That’s certainly the case in Social Nightmare. Whether the cyberbullying comes in the form of a sext gone public or eating disorder encouragement, the girl’s life will be ruined, and the person on the other end will most likely be her relative/BFF.
5. The Relatable Rebel
A lot of Lifetime teens are goody two-shoes, as I already mentioned. But a lot of them are more rebellious. Not in the typical heavy-eyeliner-and-a-tongue-piercing way, though. They’re an acceptable type of rebellious. They do things like have forbidden relationships with boys their own age when they’re supposed to be entering into a polygamous marriage with a much older man. You know how it goes.
4. The Siblings Who Sleep Together
Okay, okay. So this is a very specific one. But Lifetime has made two movies about it (albeit about the same set of Siblings Who Sleep Together), so I think it deserves its own category, don’t you?
3. The Crazy Eyes In Training
You know how lady villains in Lifetime movies are always mentally unstable because they come from a troubled upbringing? It’s the same for teen Lifetime villains. Usually one of their parents is a drunk. They’re ruin the lives of Good Girls Gone Bad and probably wear feather earrings.
2. The Sex-Obsessed Teenage Boy
Teenage boys want sex. They want it with their girlfriends, they want it with their teachers, and they want it now. They also like naked selfies and homemade sex tapes and bragging about the sex they may or may not have actually had. Did I mention sex? Look out, Good Girl Gone Bad.
1. The Girl Who Just Wants To Follow Her Dreams
But mom, you just don’t understand. Your daughter has a dream and she needs to follow it. That dream most likely involves singing. It’s just so unfair that you wouldn’t let her follow her dream. Did I mention dreams? And following those dreams? But mom.