Julius Henry ‘Groucho’ Marx Quotes

Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx, 1890 – 1977

Born: 2 October 1890, New York City
Died: 19 August 1977, Los Angeles, California

The Marx family lived on the Upper East Side of Manhattan in a community of immigrants. Minnie, with a relatives in show business and burning ambition for her sons, intended for Julius to go into medicine but needed him to leave school at twelve to earn money. By that time he was a voracious reader with a taste for Horatio Alger’s stories. In 1909 “The Four Nightingales” were performing in vaudeville, during an off performance in Texas they turned to cracking jokes between them and were surprised to find that the audience liked their comedy more than their music. They became the biggest comedy act at the Palace Theater, the pinnacle of vaudeville venues, and began a string of very successful Broadway shows, some of which became movies as well. In 1947 Julius, then universally known as Groucho, was tapped as host of You Bet Your Life, a radio quiz show in which the quizzes were an excuse to let Groucho comically interact with the contestants. Each show was a half hour, but edited down from a full hour of tape. When the show moved to NBC in 1950 it also ran on TV, the process of filming and editing meant that unlike most shows, they were able to package The Best of Groucho as reruns in the summer months. The show ran on radio from 1947 to 1957 and on TV from 1950 to 1961. Marx was a popular guest on other shows, was a frequent guest host on The Tonight Show after Jack Paar retired, and introduced Johnny Carson six months later. Countless later comedians site him as an influence.

Julius Henry ‘Groucho’ Marx quotes:

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx – Groucho and Me (1959)

Any place I hang my head is home.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx – Last words

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx – To S. J. Perelman about his book Dawn Ginsbergh’s Revenge (1929)

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I did a bond tour during the Second World War…. We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn’t any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as “The Tail Of Two Cities.” I didn’t sell any more bonds, but eh… they didn’t allow me to appear anymore.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx – Carnegie Hall appearance (6 May 1972)

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book…. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions — the curtain was up.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I drink to make other people interesting.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I got $25 from Reader’s Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: “I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally”? I never said that.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx – Interview with Roger Ebert in Esquire (7 March 1972)

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago, I shot my broker.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
    Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx

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